| Bad Ideas
If you are reading this, then it means I actually finished this personal
website. I set a goal, worked at it, and accomplished my objective. I know
what you're thinking, and yes, I am amazing.
In view of the fact that the rest of this site is devoted to my massive ego,
I thought I would be a nice change of pace to mention that I have failed
from time to time. Despite common sense and all evidence to the contrary,
I'm not perfect. I have had the occasional bad idea.
I thought it might be fun to look back at some of the unsuccessful plans
I have had over the years. I have decided to limit these stories to my childhood.
During those early years, my creativity knew no bounds (today, it knows too
well the bounds of bitterness), and my parents were always there to support
me.
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A look at a few of the failed projects of Jeff Lofvers:
Window Repairing Robot - One of my earliest dreams came from a desire
to help someone. After an accident at her house, I informed my great-grandmother
that I would build her a robot that would pick up broken glass and "spit
out" a new window. Although my heart was in the right place, my engineering
skills were lacking. My parents were kind enough to supply plenty of electricity
and broken glass, but the project never truly got past the planning stages
by the time she passed away.
Kool-Aid Theme Park - The next project I can remember involved The
Kool-Aid theme park. I say "The" Kool-Aid theme park, because at one point
Kool-Aid came with an illustration of kids playing in an elaborate amusement
park (think of a water park featuring sticky sugary Kool-Aid instead of water).
We weren't allowed to drink Kool-Aid because of the sugar, but my parents
would frequently get it for themselves.
Although the illustration was pure fantasy, I couldn't help but notice that
the empty lot two doors down from my house would make the perfect location
for a real life version of this park. I immediately got to work with my markers,
designing plans and marketing materials. Things went well until winter struck.
Seeing that it's difficult to run a water park in a blizzard, I abandoned
my plans in order to wait for my parents to move to a better location.
Feeling sorry for me, my mother dumped a pitcher of Kool-Aid on my head to
simulate the experience while I was playing outside. Since it was still winter
and we were playing "lockout" (a wonderful game where you lock your children
outside for several days), I was only able to play with the Kool-Aid until
it froze to my short-sleeved shirt. Still, it's the thought that counts.
MJ'S - What child doesn't dream of slaving away in front of a hot
fryer? One christmas, one of my brothers received a giant "play kitchen".
It wasn't really christmas, it was just that we were allowed out of "the
box" long enough to play, so it felt like it was christmas.
My parents opened up the hot oven and set out the knives. My brothers and
I played for what seemed like hours (even though it was our standard allotted
10 minutes). We even dreamt of opening up our own restaurant. Since my brother
was more creative than me, he decided we should use our initials (Mike, Jeff,
and Steve) and call the place MJ'S. Although we made brilliant chefs, we
abandoned the idea because we constantly fought over whose initial would
come first… before we were put back in "the box".
Batman II - One time, when my brothers and I were shackled in the
cellar playing "allegory of the cave", we heard the two-dimensional neighborhood
children talking about something called Batman. Apparently, it was a movie
about a superhero battling some guy called the Joker. We enjoyed these tales
so much that we decided to create our own sequel to the movie: Batman II
(what else would it be called?)
We heard enough of the story to know what we had to do. Two years later,
when our shackles came off, we put all our efforts into making costumes and
props. Since my favorite character was the Joker, my mother suggested bleaching
my skin and hair with chemicals, just like the Joker. My father commented
on how great it would be to have three Jokers, and even offered to
mix the chemicals in the toilet. Sadly, the "real" sequel came out right
around that time, and our dreams we abandoned.
I always regret not securing the rights in time. It should be pointed out
that both the plot and the actors of our movie were significantly less juvenile
than any Batman film from the 90's.
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I could go on for hours, but writing about my childhood has made me too
nostalgic. It's possible that I've exaggerated a few of the details, I'll
have to check with my parents to be sure. One thing you can count on, though,
is that the projects themselves are 100% real. Really. Would I lie to you? |